August 4, 2019

Dear life,

Nostalgia pierced through my heart like a stake being hammered through gravel as I thought of my teenage years in high school. I thought of Lanny and how we formed a ridiculous band called March 35th. It’s not too hard to figure out how we came up with that name since both our birthdays are in the month of March. So, we just added… yeah you get the picture. Anyway, I began thinking of what that band was for and that led my mind to our book. The book where we were supposed to creatively put down our deepest thoughts and make some sort of poetic music from it. Lanny did some and I told him I would also contribute but I could never bring myself to show him who I was inside. I wish I did.

My brother keeps telling me that in a matter of time, my friends from secondary school would become a distant memory, people of the past faded away by distance and time. But memories like this make it hard for me to move on, hard to let go. I want so desperately to be able to, but how can I forget the people who have their names engraved on my heart?

I can remember a day in boarding school when I wept so helplessly in front of my best friends, Jumoke and Terdoo, over a guy who had shattered my heart a few years earlier. I don’t remember an instance where I had ever shed so many tears. I remember Jumoke coming down from the upper bunk to meet me, wrapping her arms around me, telling me it was going to be okay as I cried and ranted about how he had hurt me. I wish I told them when it had happened.

I can also remember sometime in Year 11 when I had a panic attack. I had just gotten my grade for Math class and Lanny was sitting near me. I began to tell him in a subtle tone that I was scared of what my final grade was going to be. As I was talking, out of nowhere, my heart rate began to elevate and I shut my eyes so tight to prevent tears from leaking. I was shaking my head as if I was begging the tears not to come. Lanny grabbed my hands, asking me what was wrong so I could stop. I don’t have the most vivid memory of that event, but we eventually got up and left the classroom. The other people there had no clue what was going on behind them. Still in panic mode, trying but failing to keep myself together, I told him to go get Terdoo that I desperately needed her. She came to meet me in the restroom then she grabbed me and then hugged me. I wept on her shoulder for God knows how long without either of us saying a word until I was done. Funny, Lanny told me he had felt bad because he couldn’t help me then, so I confessed to him that he was the only guy I had ever cried to. They (Terdoo and Lanny) might not have realized what they did then but it meant the world to me. I wish they knew that that meant the world to me.

Jumoke and Terdoo always showed me what true friendship was. I don’t know why but Jumoke was always willing to do whatever she could to help me. I was always scared that the shoe would drop and she would get tired of being my friend. But she never did. Terdoo (who I call Teddy G) was always ready to show me how much she wanted me in her life. I always wondered what she saw in me, but she saw something alright. Most of all, they were the first youth to inspire me to look up and realize that I had a father who loved me a million times more than the cells in the universe and that I could go to him with anything. I wish they never find out that I don’t deserve them.

Emeka may not realize it, but I love it when he calls. I really appreciate the fact that he still thinks of me as his sister for he was a wonderful big brother while we were in school. Although we aren’t actually related, and we just call ourselves siblings out of play, he took care of me like any big brother would. He gave me money for snacks! Haha, no, he did more than just that. He made sure I was okay. I wish he knew that I loved him very much- and still do.

Although Busky and I barely ever talk now, I have to acknowledge the fact that no one outside my family shares my love for movies and TV shows as much as she does. I’m allowed to say this now because we are out of school and there is nothing they (school authority) can do to us. All those times we traded movies and TV shows on our laptops even when the school strongly prohibited it. All those times we sneakily met with our ‘dealer’ and exchanged ‘product’. Even when we got caught, we still did it because no one was going to tell us we couldn’t ‘use’. We were ‘high’ on Riverdale and 13 reasons why and no one (not even the school that held our academic future in their hands) could put us in ‘rehab’. I wish she knew how exciting she made secondary school.

Siju, my seatmate. My fellow dark-skinned brother. One of the only people in our set that was darker in complexion than me. I used to tell him whatever thoughts came to my mind. Telling him all those stupid things with no filter and not once did he judge me. Aside from that, he made it very clear that he wanted me in his life. I wish he knew how much I wanted him in mine.

As I sit here and write this, which was totally unintended, I can’t help the tears threatening to escape my eyes. Why wouldn’t it be hard to let go? Why wouldn’t it rip me apart to let go of the people that held me together? Excuse me for wanting to fight for those who made my teenage years worth remembering.